The One Where I Discuss Being Plus-Size

Today, I saw an article Upworthy had posted about Tim Gunn calling out the fashion industry for essentially excluding "plus-size women" from runway shows, clothing stores and, frankly, from fashion entirely. This is a conversation I feel like I am FOREVER having, so as soon as I started the article, I immediately knew I might have to blog it out. I highly encourage you to read his original op-ed, because he really does an incredible job pointing out the flaws of the industry and being an advocate for those of us who do not fit Society's "mold". But, for the sake of anyone who ends up reading this, I'll be quoting some of it below for context.

Let me start this by saying that over the last year, Ryan and I have both lost about 60lbs each. Subsequently, we have both dropped 3-4 sizes. And even 4 sizes smaller, I am STILL plus-size. And, in an effort to maintain my usual 'open book' blogging style, I'll just straight up tell you that I wear a size 16. I am officially "an average woman", according to statistics. So, if 16 is the average, why are we still being pigeon-holed into our grandmother's Mumu's?

Tim Gunn addresses this in his op-ed as well, stating: I love the American fashion industry, but it has a lot of problems, and one of them is the baffling way it has turned its back on plus-size women. It’s a puzzling conundrum. The average American woman now wears between a size 16 and a size 18, according to new research from Washington State University. There are 100 million plus-size women in America, and, for the past three years, they have increased their spending on clothes faster than their straight-size counterparts. There is money to be made here ($20.4 billion, up 17 percent from 2013). But many designers — dripping with disdain, lacking imagination or simply too cowardly to take a risk — still refuse to make clothes for them. 

So, here's where I start to get mad. Yes, I am a size 16. But I still have a SHAPE and its a shape I've worked very hard for! I don't want to hide it under ill-fitting clothes simply because designers cannot be "bothered" to create items that will fit a size 2 as well as a size 22.

I will no longer be ashamed of my size 16. And designers shouldn't be either!

Tim goes further, explaining that many (read: MOST) designers brush over us curvy girls because: They say the plus-size woman is complicated, different and difficult, that no two size 16s are alike. Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but can that not also be said about a size 4? Or 6? Or even the runway-ready 2? For most of high school, I was a pretty tried-and-true 6/8. I was also 5'10. One of my best friends was also a size 6, but she was 5'5. Her size 6 and my size 6 were different. Yet somehow, designers dressed us both just fine. (Well, mostly. I still generally required a "tall" or "long" option.) By my senior year, I was a size 10, and things started to get more complicated. Yes, when I was 18 years old, I was already hitting a wall when trying to buy the same clothes as my smaller friends. (I talked about this a few years ago, too.) I think part of the problem, honestly, is that sizing is not consistent EVER. In my closet right now, I have sizes ranging from a Medium to a 3X. And they ALL fit!

Which segues perfectly into Tim's next point: Have you shopped retail for size 14-plus clothing? Based on my experience shopping with plus-size women, it’s a horribly insulting and demoralizing experience. Okay, but, have you? Because it really is that terrible. Do you want to know how many dressing rooms I've cried in? It's a large number. Larger than the largest size I've ever worn. Essentially, I am forced to purchase about 3/4 of my wardrobe online because most stores stop at size 10 or 12. Anything over that, and you are re-directed to the "WOMAN'S" section. (Something Tim also beautifully shames. So, seriously, read the article.) Because of this, I dressed much older than I wanted to. That was all that was available to me. Mumus and tunics and garments shaped like a potato sack. But I LOVE clothes!! I love trying new styles and trends, when given the option.

And sometimes I AM given the option. Online. Thanks to stores like ASOS Curve and City Chic, I have expanded my plus-size wardrobe with shapely, flattering, trendy pieces. But, again, I cannot walk into those stores. I can only shop them online. And there are a few great plus-size stores in malls across America. You have Lane Bryant - mostly great but sometimes they lean too far into Mumu territory. Or Torrid - cute and youthful but also cheap and doesn't usually stand the test of time. (Okay, so I can think of TWO. Cool.)

The real game changer for me has been Gwynnie Bee. (Nope, I'm not getting paid for this.) It's a clothing-in-the-mail service similar to Stitch Fix (which does not carry my size), but its for sizes 10 and up. They have amazing brands, and both trendy and timeless options. And you know what? I've had FUN learning how to dress my size 16 body. There ARE options, if designers would just make an effort. To quote OutKast, big girls need love too. And that includes love from the fashion industry. So, I'll wrap this up the same way Tim Gunn does: There’s an art to doing this. Designers, make it work. Please?


 

The World's BEST Sloppy Joes

(adapted from The Pioneer Woman)

Serves 6-8

Ingredients:

2 tbsp Butter

2 1/2 pounds Ground Beef

3/4 Large Onion, Diced

1 Large Green Bell Pepper, Diced

5 cloves Garlic, Minced

1 1/2 cup Ketchup

1 cup Water

2 tsp Brown Sugar

2 tsp Chili Powder

1 tsp Dry Mustard

1/2 tsp Red Pepper Flakes

1-2 tsp Worcestershire Sauce

Freshly Ground Black Pepper, to taste

Kaiser Rolls

Butter

Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Directions:

Add 1 tbsp of butter to a large skillet over medium high heat. Add ground beef, season with black pepper and cook until brown. Drain and discard fat. Set ground beef aside.

Add another 1 tbsp of butter to skillet and add in onions, green pepper, and garlic. Cook until vegetables begin to soften. Add ground beef back to skillet.

Add ketchup, water, Worcestershire and brown sugar. Once mixed, mix in chili pepper, red pepper flakes and dry mustard. Simmer for 15 minutes, taste and adjust seasonings as needed. Let simmer for 20-30 minutes.

Slice the Kaiser Rolls and butter each half. Toast/brown rolls in a pan or toaster. Spoon meat mixture over the rolls and top with shredded cheddar. Grab some extra napkins and ENJOY!

Long Time Gone

Oh, hey.  Remember me?  The girl who use to blog?

It has been a really, really long time since I've done much writing. (Publicly, anyway.) I reached a strange point last year where I just ran out of things to say or I felt like it was becoming boring or I'd start a passionate blog and I'd just lose my way. But I missed it, honestly, because it is such an outlet for me and lately I've been really pulled back to the blogging world. So, in an effort to jump start it, I'm going to do my best to share what we've been up to, and then hopefully the blog ideas that have been bouncing around in my head will flow freely!

The last year has been full of some major ups and downs. (Which, quite frankly, feels like the status quo for us.) And until now, I have not felt ready to open up about some of the tougher things we've encountered.

Let's take a chronological journey...

Just over a year ago, we moved into a perfect little house in a great area and we absolutely love it here!

We've officially lived through all four seasons at this house!

My brother Frankie, my best friend Kim & I went to the 2 Day Suburbia Music Festival and had an absolute blast! There were dozens of bands and musicians, but the highlights for us were Third Eye Blind, twenty one pilots, Yelawolf, Killer Mike, NEEDTOBREATHE, J Cole and The Alabama Shakes!

May 2014

I went with my friends Erika, Brittany & Rob to see Johnnyswim and it was incredible.

July 2014

Ryan and I got to see Nickel Creek from the 2nd row. Life changing stuff.

August 2014

We also got an up close and personal view of Jared Leto and Thirty Seconds to Mars. (I was clearly much more excited about this than Ryan was...)

September 2014

For Halloween, we both decided to be super-heroes. Ryan was Superman (rightfully so) and I was Rosie the Riveter!

October 2014

Frankie found a tiny, abandoned kitten at his work and we decided to take her in. We named her Piper and loved her fiercely for 5 days, until sadly, she passed away. It was so sad for us, but her tiny little body just couldn't fight off the damage the Big, Bad World did before we got her.

November 2014

Frankie and I got the chance to see Ryan Adams (!!!!!) play in Dallas for the first time in almost a decade. It was a night I'll never forget!

December 2014

On New Year's Eve, Ryan & I hopped in a limo with both of our brothers and our good friends Brittany & Rob to see Dove Tail and The Wild Feathers. It was such a fun night!

December 2014

I received a high honor at work when I was voted my company's 2014 Employee of the Year by my co-workers.

January 2015

Ryan turned 30 in February, and that same weekend, we found out I was pregnant! It took us 5 years to get there, and it bums me out that this is the only picture I have of myself during that time. Grievously, we lost the baby at 10 weeks. It's been one of the hardest things we've ever endured, and it lead to the only blog post I wrote in the last year, until today.

February 2015

Ryan got a fantastic promotion at work. Even though it's meant longer days and more stress for my hard-working husband, it's still been a game changer for us! I am immensely proud of him.

April 2015

The Denton Women's Collective jumped back into Finding Kind with both feet when we finally got it in at Lewisville High School!

April 2015

I donated my hair for the 3rd time! This time, I decided to donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths.

BEFORE

AFTER

April 2015

Like a gift from the universe, a sweet Mama Bunny decided to make her nest in our yard this Spring! It was both stressful and thrilling to watch these babies grow. Almost every morning we see the 3 now-teenager-bunnies in our front yard and I love that they feel at home with us.

May 2015

Ryan & I attended our first SOFAR (SOngs From A Room) show and had the best time hearing some new artists as well as a couple of favorites!

May 2015

At the end of May, we experienced another devastating loss when we had to say good-bye to our sweet Chloe girl. It was utterly heartbreaking, especially after everything else we've been through this year, but we found some peace knowing she was no longer suffering. It feels like there is a hole in our family and I miss her every single day.

May 2015

My dear friend Lynsday and I went to see Jonathan Jackson + Enation and even got to MEET Jonathan and his brother (and bandmate) Richard! We've both been fans of Jonathan Jackson since the early 90's so it was quite a treat!

June 2015

Last month, I saw a post about a 1 year old kitty that needed a home. Cooper had been quite lonely since he lost his big sister and companion, so we decided to bring him home! We named him Oliver (we call him "Ollie" or "The Dude") and he was just a dream... except he did NOT get along with Cooper. He would attack him viciously, but was sweet as sugar with us. Thankfully, my brother really bonded with the little guy so Ollie now lives a very happy life with Frankie!

June 2015

Ryan & I roadtripped up to Kentucky to visit my Mom and celebrate my Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary! Ryan also had his 1st (and 2nd) Big Boy burger.

July 2015

Most of my Mom's side of the family - July 2015

 
While we were in Kentucky, Ryan's precious Grandfather "Papa Herbie" passed away. He was a really incredible man who will be sorely missed. I feel grateful to have gotten almost 7 years to be his granddaughter (in-law).

And that catches us up to now... Cooper is happy as can be now that Ollie has gone to live with Frankie. He is just the sweetest little snaggletooth kitty there ever was and I'm thankful every day that he is ours! < Crazy Cat Lady alert >

July 2015

Thanks for welcoming me back, Blogosphere! 

Dear Baby

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so naturally I've been thinking about you non-stop, Baby. We didn't plan you. Not really. We talked about you, asked for you, tried for you and dreamed about you for a long time. But then we'd given up and accepted we'd never have you. And we felt okay with that decision.

But then something so miraculous happened, and we made you. 

When I found out I was carrying you, I was terrified. I was terrified of the changes my body was going to have to make, terrified of how I was going to physically bring you into the world, terrified wondering if we were ready for you. But a few days later, the fear subsided and I was so happy about you. I talked to you, sang to you, put my hands on my stomach in hopes you would feel my love. We talked about what we would name you. We looked at the furniture you would sleep in and the stroller we would push you around in. We told our loved ones about you. Suddenly everything was about you.

You made me sick almost every day. I felt the strain growing you had on my system. But it was also a reminder that you were there, doing what you were supposed to be doing. A week before our 10 week sonogram, I started to feel a little better, and that filled me with a rush of excitement. I was so excited to see you. We waited with baited breath to see your tiny body on the giant screen in the doctor's office. She found you so quickly. There you were. So real. Your daddy squeezed my arm, smiling. The energy and love in the room was palpable.

But then there was silence as she snapped a million pictures of you and the energy in the room changed. I was still, trying not to panic, but my instincts took over and I asked her if everything was okay. If you were okay. She put her hand on my knee and quietly told me you were gone. That you'd been gone for a week. Your tiny heart had stopped beating. I felt the air leaving my body as your daddy took my hand.  We talked to the doctor and she told us what would happen next, but I hardly heard a word she said. All I could think about was you. That I'd only gotten to carry you for 10 short weeks. That I'd never even know if you were a boy or a girl. Whether you were our son or our daughter.

And then I mourned you. I still mourn you.

I was okay with never having you...Before there was a you. Then all I wanted was you. People kept telling me that we could try again. That maybe we could have another baby. But I didn't want another baby. I just wanted you.

I may have gotten only 10 weeks with you. But for the rest of my life, I will love you.

Photo Dump

I miss blogging...but can't seem to finish a single post lately.

So, here are some pictures instead. :)

If Chloe had a theme song, it would be Destiny's Child "Survivor".

I got to see the incomparable Patty Griffin in January.  It was the stuff dreams are made of.

Ryan and I headed out for date night to see Jake Bugg at House of Blues.

Jake Bugg

Cooper Trooper presenting me with one of his mouse toys.

Celebrating Ryan's 29th birthday 2/7

My little brother donated 10+ inches! I LOVE his new, short hair.

 

Our Furbabies <3

On My Drive Home

I've had a rough week.  A little bit because of work, a little bit personal, a lot a bit me being overly sensitive. (That last one is no surprise, if you know me very well.)  But the last hour of my work day today was especially unpleasant, so when I left work I was feeling uneasy and upset.  I fought tears as I drove, realizing I wasn't quite ready to go home.  I didn't want to bring this mood into my house and splatter it all over my happy husband.  So, I just kept driving.  I had absolutely no idea where I was heading but I suddenly felt the need to exit the highway.  I made a turn, then another.  And soon I was in a busy parking lot.  I decided to park and try to shake off (or cry out) my feelings.
Then I saw them. 

A young family - a man, a women, and two small children - standing on the corner, holding a sign that asked for help.

I cannot truly put into words the feeling that washed over me.  Call it what you want - God, The Universe, Fate, A Coincidence - but I knew I had ended up there for a reason.  I was being given the perspective I needed to put me in my place.  

I dug through my wallet for all the cash I could find (sadly, it wasn't much) and drove up to the family. I rolled down my window and handed a humble and gracious man what I had.  His wife burst into tears and thanked me profusely.  And then I burst into tears, too.  In fact, I had to pull over about a mile down the road because I could no longer see through my tears. 

Now, I am sitting in front of my computer trying desperately to find the right words to tie up this post with a pretty bow, but my hands are still shaking and words are escaping me.  All I can think of are the lyrics to my favorite NEEDTOBREATHE song.

So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
Keep your eyes open

And open they are.  In a way they haven't been for some time.

Merry Christmas!

"When Are You Going To Have Kids?"

I've said a million times on this blog that I am "an open book". And that is true 95% of the time. But sometimes, things are too hard for me to talk about. For the past two years, I've privately (with the support of a handful of my nearest and dearest) dealt with some hard truths. Now that I have celebrated my 30th birthday AND Ryan & I have celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, the frequency in which people ask when we are starting a family has doubled, at least. That is a really baited, heavy question for us...and I finally feel ready to give everyone the real, true answer.

Since before we even got married, people were asking when Ryan & I would start a family. We decided we would wait two years to just enjoy being married. So, after we celebrated our 2nd anniversary, all bets were off! Over the next year, I was certain I was pregnant a few times, and even got a false positive once. But alas, no babies. In 2011, I went to see my OBGYN because I was starting to worry. My doctor held my hand as she said the words "PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome". I immediately thought back to 2009 when I landed in the ER with bursting cysts on my left ovary. I picked up only the key phrases as she spoke. "Imbalance of hormones, irregular menstrual cycle, cysts on the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, weight gain/trouble losing weight." Check, check, check, check, check.

Shit. 

I closed my eyes to clear the tears, trying not to freak out. Nothing in my life had felt as constant and real as my desire to be a Mother. It wouldn't be IMPOSSIBLE for me to get pregnant...just unlikely. We talked briefly about options, medications we could use to try to get pregnant on our own, things I could do to try and "boost" my natural ability, in-vitro, etc., but I needed time to digest it all. In a way, I'm still digesting it.

I would be lying if I said there haven't been moments when I feel hopeless. The first several months after my diagnosis were the hardest. I almost couldn't be around babies. A co-worker and his wife brought their new baby into work, and I had to run to my office and close the door so they wouldn't see me crying.

Then we add Ryan into the mix.

Once all of that started happening, I knew that trying to have a baby immediately - if we even COULD - was not the right choice. I needed to take care of my husband, and myself, first. All I can tell you right now is that we absolutely do want a family. And I do realize I am not getting ANY younger, but right now there are so many factors at play, that the best thing for us to do is focus on one thing at a time. Right now, my top priority is Ryan and getting his hormones in check so he is back to feeling like himself, naturally, all the time.

I still have moments of over-whelming sadness. Sometimes I have to fight to keep myself from wondering if I'll ever mother my own children. But mostly, I've accepted that these are the cards we were dealt. Ryan and I have endured so many hardships together, and I know this one will be no exception. But until we get it all figured out, the answer to the pressing question "When are you going to have kids?" will remain the same.

I don't know. 

Ryan's Battle Continues

As promised, I wanted to give a more detailed update into Ryan's battle with his hormones. If you need a refresher, you can read Parts One, Two and Three first if you'd like.

It's been about 9 months since my last update. And what an 9 months it has been. After seeing the pellet treatments working well for Ryan, we were no longer able to afford or get financial assistance to afford those treatments, so I began doing lots of research to find him a new doctor. Eventually, we picked a group of practitioners who work SOLELY with hormone deficiencies. I called to set up Ryan's first appointment, and one of the partner's spent almost 40 minutes on the phone with me, discussing every little detail of the past year.

Our biggest problem with his previous treatment was that the Doctor at that practice never pushed very hard to find the CAUSE of Ryan's imbalances. And that felt very important to us. So, when we went to Ryan's first appointment with the new practitioner, we stressed our concern about that. Immediately, we were told that Ryan would need an MRI to confirm or rule out a possible growth on his pituitary gland, which is the main hub for all things hormone related. (The MRI came back all clear. No growth or mass.) He also told us that the pellet treatments that Ryan had been receiving was actually doing as much harm as good. By giving Ryan just concentrated doses of testosterone, Ryan's body had essentially stopped trying to produce any on its own. Which means, Ryan would be dependent on artificial testosterone for the rest of his life. The pellets were also causing Ryan's testosterone levels to yo-yo constantly, causing him to "crash" when the pellets began to wear off.  And on a (very) personal note, it also caused Ryan's body to stop producing sperm - which is pretty important when you haven't had children yet. All of these things combined made it pretty clear that a new course of treatment was needed.

Our new team (there are 3 partners at this practice) started Ryan on a different hormone that will help re-start Ryan's natural testosterone production. We also found out that because his body had completely stopped making its own testosterone, that caused his body to INCREASE the production of Estradiol (essentially the "male version" of estrogen). While ALL hormones are important for both men and women, the most important thing here is the proper balance. And Ryan's is way off.

So, he has now started a treatment plan that includes injections 3 times a week (given by yours truly) to BOOST testosterone production, and a supplement twice a week that slows his estradiol production. The down side? It takes a while to work. So for the time being, our keyword is WAITING. Waiting for the old testosterone treatment to completely wear off to get an accurate count of what his body is actually doing. Waiting on the new treatment to kick in. Waiting on his body to respond (or not). And while this whole process is tough on me (it's SO hard to watch the man I love struggle), it is 10 times harder for Ryan. He is just so sick of it all. He wants to feel good, normal, like himself.  Many people seem to think that once you start new meds, the problem should fixed overnight, but sadly that is not the case. So, my focus lately has been on keeping him as positive as possible. I KNOW that, eventually, we will figure all of this out and he will be back to 100%. In meantime, your good vibes, thoughts, prayers, love (whatever suits your fancy) are much appreciated. :)

5 Years

In the past 5 years, I've learned a lot.  Not just about marriage, but about love. What it really means.

When Ryan and I got engaged, I was over-the-moon in love with him. I smiled every time his face crossed my mind (which was a lot) or his name crossed my lips (which was also a lot). I got butterflies when he was near me. I knew with every fiber of my being that he was The One.  And if you'd asked me back then if I thought I could ever love him more than I did then, I probably would have said "not possible".  My heart was already busting at the seams.

But that was 5 years ago.  And a lot of life can happen in 5 years. 

These 5 years of marriage have changed the way I look at love. See, back when we got engaged, we were very much in love, but we were still in the very beginning stages of figuring ourselves, and each other, out.  We hadn't yet mastered the true partnership of marriage (and I am not saying we are masters now, but we are a whole heck of a lot better at it). We have encountered some exuberant highs and some substantial, devastating lows. We've gone through crappy moments that were my fault. And crappy moments that were his. We've yelled at each other, fought with each other (and FOR each other), balanced each other. We've celebrated together, cried together, laughed together, SURVIVED TOGETHER. And through every moment, every step of the way, we've held tightly to each other. No matter what the obstacle, even when we stumble (both separately and together) we never let go of each other. Not for a moment. Because as wonderful and earth-moving as our love was 5 years ago, it can't hold a candle to the love we have now. And as cliche as it is, if you asked me today if I thought I could ever love him more than I do right now, I would look you straight in the eyes and answer a resounding "YES". Now I know that with each passing day, week, month, year, my love for him will continue to grow. Because WE will continue to grow.

Wednesday night, I decided to dig out the disc that holds all 2000-or-something wedding pictures from our photographer. I hadn't looked through all of them since we received them, 5 years ago. And because our love has grown and changed, I found myself drawn to pictures that I hadn't been before. Then, I was focused on what was the most pretty, the most "Facebook worthy" (as terrible as it is to admit that). Now, I allowed the emotion behind the pictures be what spoke to me first.

Like the look on Ryan's face when the doors opened and I started my walk down the aisle to him...

The look on the right may not seem like much, but its the face he makes when he is trying to hide his excitement. I didn't recognize that look 5 years ago. Now, it's one of my favorites.

And how I couldn't keep my eyes off of him...

Or the first moment we shared after the ceremony, before anyone else was in the room. He starting crying as soon as we were out the door, and he was embarrassed for anyone else to see. So we stole a moment away...

And how he kept pulling me in closer and tighter as we shared our last dance...

Happy anniversary to the man whom I am still over-the-moon in love with. Who still makes me smile when I think of him, or talk about him. Who still gives me butterflies when he is near. Thank you for teaching me about real, true love these last 5 years.

The One Where I Update My Blog

So, I took some time off from all things social media. And it was a beautiful thing. But now, I have so much to say that I hope I can even organize it all into some kind of order.


As I've discussed before, I'm a life-long anxiety sufferer. Though I lived in "anxiety-remission" for almost 5 years, recently I suffered an unexplainable relapse. For days I was fighting my old symptoms, and after doing some serious soul-searching, I realized it was because I suddenly felt incredibly overwhelmed. Like, by EVERYTHING. I am someone who will openly admit that sometimes I need to isolate to deal. I get so lost inside the feelings that I start to lose MYSELF, and I have to become keenly self-aware to re-gain my footing. And sometimes that includes removing myself from parts of my world (like social media). I realize that probably makes me sound supremely selfish, and maybe it is, but its how I've ALWAYS coped.

I think, for me, part of why I needed a little hiatus from social media was 100% personal. Its often hard for me to look at the lives of others on Facebook or Instagram (admittedly, several times a day) without comparing it to my own. And sometimes I get panicky that my life isn't like someone else's.  I'm going to give this topic the attention it deserves soon...but for now, let's move on.

*******

I realized recently that it's been quite some time since I've done anything remotely close to an overall life update. So that's how I'm going to throw myself back into my blog.

We have been crazy busy the last few months.  I'll admit, our full calendar might be partly to blame for my sudden recurrence of anxiety. It often leaves us feeling like there isn't enough time in the day...however, as I type those words, I can't help but smile because that just means that we are lucky to have so many wonderful people and opportunities in our lives.

We've also been on an emotional roller coaster with one of our furbabies, Chloe. About a month ago, she was diagnosed with Mid-Stage Renal Failure. Basically, her kidneys are shutting down. She is in stage 2 of 4, which means that there are still treatment options, but that the damage that has already occurred cannot be undone. We are on a treatment regimen, and assuming it all works properly, we should get more time with her. :) In the meantime, I just have my fingers crossed that she won't hate me when all is said and done, since I'm the one giving her an IV twice a week and shoving pills down her throat when needed. I think that's the hardest part about having pets. You can't EXPLAIN to them that all of this is to help them feel better.

The most notable update is about Ryan. After a hiatus from the "working world" to focus on his health, he has started a new job! As far as his recovery...well, its still an uphill battle. We've changed to a new doctor and are trying a new type of treatment - which basically means we've started from scratch. I've definitely noticed a significant backslide in his progress, which we were warned about, and its been tough on both of us. Just because we KNOW what the problem is, doesn't make it any easier to cope with when his symptoms start showing back up. I have many moments where I wish more than anything that I could just take this all away from Ryan and suffer through it myself. I'll give a more detailed update on this soon!

Until then...it feels good to be back! 

BRB

It's been over a month since my last blog post.  That was not intentional.

However, I am now intentionally taking a little break - not only from my blog, but from social media in general.  I just need a moment...to refocus, to re-energize, to recenter.  

So, BRB. 

Grilled Potato Salad

I haven't blogged a recipe in a while, and since I am admittedly struggling for blog-spiration since wrapping up my 30x30 "series", now is as good a time as any!

As I continue to battle the bulge, I am kind of always on the look-out for healthier versions of my favorite foods. (Although, let's be real...pinto bean cookies just aren't the same.) Well, last week, I stumbled upon a recipe for Grilled Potato Salad. It looked amazing and I decided to give it a whirl.

Ingredients 

 

Potato Mix:

2 lbs small red potatoes

1/2 small red onion (I like to use white or yellow because we aren't really red onion fans)

1 tsp veg oil

2 tbsp parsley

1/2 c dill, roughly chopped

2 tsp chives, chopped

salt & pepper

 

Dressing Mix:

1/2 c EVOO

2 tbsp whole grain mustard

3 tbsp apple cider vinegar

2 tbsp honey

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsp pepper

 

Toppings:
3 tbsp green onion, chopped

Chopped bacon

Start by par baking the potatoes. While the potatoes are in the oven, mix the "potato mix" in a bowl and  set aside.   

 

Once the potatoes are almost fully baked, slice them in half and toss with the "potato mix" ingredients. Slice onions into rounds. Grill the onion rounds and potatoes, face down, for 5-7 minutes. (I didn't grill the onions...I got ahead of myself and had already chopped them. I think grilling them would have made a great addition to the flavor.)

Meanwhile, mix the dressing.

Once grilled, dice the onions and mix into the potatoes. Cover with 1/2 the dressing, stir well and allow to sit for 5 minutes. Taste and add more dressing if needed. Mix in green onion and bacon. Serve.

As usual - for me at least - nothing is perfect the first time and while this was VERY good, it needs a little tweaking. Specifically, I added about 1/2 of the dressing and felt like that was enough, but after we started eating, I realized it could have used more. I would also let is sit longer than 5 minutes next time so that the potatoes could really absorb the dressing. HOWEVER, this was very tasty and I will definitely be making it again! 

30x30 Wrap-Up

Since we are going on 2 weeks since I crossed over into thirty-dom, I thought I should dedicate one (super long) post to my Thirty Things To Do Before I'm Thirty list.

Need a refresher? Start here. I'll wait.

I think the easiest thing for me to do is go line by line before I wrap it all up. Settle in, kids. Let's do this!

1. Start a bucket list. - Click the link to read my bucket list so far!

2. Start making concrete plans for future things that I can't talk about right now. - Just read the last paragraph. :) Nothing is set in stone yet, but it's something we WILL achieve in due time.

3. Chase a storm. - This one came to fruition, kind of, ON my birthday. Storms rolled in mid-afternoon and Ryan & I drove directly into them. But, I've also moved this item onto my Bucket List, because I'd like to do it more on purpose next time. 

It was raining so hard in the "eye" of the storm that you couldn't see more than 15-20 feet in front of you.

4. Visit JFK Memorial Plaza - I'm sad to say, I didn't get this one done. Yet. But more on that in a moment*...

5. Learn more about wine. Besides "it tastes good". - This one was fun, haha. We looked into a few local winery tours, but couldn't find anything that worked with our time frame and budget. So instead, we decided to do some of our own research and then we headed to Trader Joe's (you can't beat their prices) to pick up a few bottles we wanted to try. Each of the four we chose had decent descriptions, but when we arrived home and started cracking into the bottles, we looked them each up online to read more about them, where the grapes were grown and the process behind making each one.

My favorite was the Albero. I am definitely a light, sweet-ish white wine gal. Especially if its sparkling.

6. Weigh less on my 30th birthday than I did on my 29th. - I got to check this one off my list pretty early on. In March, to be exact. I'm happy to report that I currently weigh less than I did on my *28th* birthday too. <BIG HAPPY FACE HERE>

7. Learn a new skill.- Click the link to read more!

8. Go to one concert a month.- Okay so here's the deal. I consider this one achieved even though I didn't get to any concerts in March or May. BUT, I saw SIX shows over the last six months (three of which featured multiple bands) so, I consider that a WIN. I saw The Punch Brothers in January, Imagine Dragons in February, The Lumineers AND Edgefest Music Fest in April, Summer Cut Music Fest in June and Summerland Guitar Fest in July.

9. Record music with Ryan.- Still working on this one*. I really put this one off, actually. Mostly because I'm scared. It's been a long time since I've done any singing publicly. And Ryan doesn't really love playing his instruments in front of people (even though he is incredibly talented). We are quite a pair. BUT, we are going to do this.

10. Create a coffee table book with photos I've taken in Instagram. - In the works RIGHT NOW*. I wanted to wait until after my 30th birthday so I could include those pictures too.

11. Do one Pinterest craft a month.- I did about 6-7 Pinterest crafts total, but it wasn't "one a month". Sort of like the concerts situation, I still consider it done even though half of them were done in one weekend for a good friend's baby shower.

12. Read three books. - Oops. Apparently I don't make enough time for this. I still have a stack of unread books*...

13. Take a yoga class.- I feel like I have a lot of "not done yet" in a row here. I WILL try Yoga*. But I'm not ready.

14. Step out of my fashion comfort zone.- I DID THIS! I really took this one seriously. Partially because with my weight gain, I lost a lot of confidence so I would hide under my clothes and even after losing almost 40lbs so far, I was STILL hiding under my clothes. Partially because I got tired of hearing Ryan (lovingly) make fun of me dressing like a "grandma" aka all covered up. Mostly because I realized that I still COULD dress fun, or revealing, or however I wanted. I wore clothes that made me feel uncomfortable and/or made me stand out, but most of the time I ended up feeling okay wearing them. I even ordered a pair of PINK pants this week! (I wear black pants or dark jeans. Period.) But nothing took me out of my comfort zone like the dress I wore to a couple of weddings recently. I've had it since I got married but it hadn't fit in YEARS. I wore it and I felt TOTALLY out of my element and COMPLETELY self-conscious, but guess what? I survived it. I even got a few compliments along the way. :) (Special props go to my husband for teasing me into cuter clothes, and to my BFF Kim for making me believe that I could actually pull it all off.)

The Scary Dress

15. Take a completely spontaneous day/weekend trip. - In the spring, we took a trip to Colorado and a trip to Saint Louis. Both were planned less than 2 weeks before leaving. That's about as spontaneous as I get. ;)

16. Learn how to grow something edible.- I tried. I really did. We planted some chives...and they didn't grow. It was a tough defeat for both of us. Someday, we will have a yard. And in that yard, we WILL learn to grow things. I just don't think apartment living is conducive for farming, unless you can convert your patio into a green house. Which we cannot.

17. Donate to 3 organizations I love.- I have donated to two of three. The other will get their donation SOON. Like as soon as I decide who to donate to. ;) I am completely torn between the ASPCA and Project Limelight. Any opinions? As far as the organizations I've already given to, I have donated to the local public radio station we listen to the most, KXT and to Save The Arctic which helps protect the habitat of my favorite animal, the Polar Bear, specifically from oil drilling.

18. Conquer something difficult in the kitchen - like souffle or crepes.- This one is still pending*...I have decided to try souffle. As soon as I get my wits about me.

19. Put an unnatural color in my hair.- I DID color my hair before my birthday buuut, it wasn't unnatural. I had also planned to chalk my hair for my birthday party, but I never got around to it. I still might do this, just for fun, though*.

20. Say "YES" to everything for an entire day.- Click the link to read more!

21. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet.- Click the link to read more!

22. Ask my parents for each of their 5 favorite movies. Watch all 10.- I have worked my way through exactly half of them, so far. I have found its harder than I thought to find copies of some of my Dad's picks. He loves his old movies! How about a breakdown within a breakdown? 
                           Mom's Picks:
                           -To Kill A Mocking Bird
                           -Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
                           -Casablanca
                           -Its a Wonderful Life
                           -Last of the Mohicans

                           Dad's Picks:
                           -Treasure of Sierra Madre
                           -Adventures of Robin Hood
                           -Usual Suspects
                           -Philadelphia Story
                           -Shawshank Redemption
 


23. Buy a record that came out the year I was born.- Click the link to read more!

24. Give up sodas for an entire month.- Click the link to read more!

25. Spend more time exploring Denton.- Click the link to read more!

26. Try two new recipes a month.- I most definitely did this. I just didn't blog about many of them. But, Ryan is my witness. It happened, mostly successfully!

27. Once a week (or so?), write a different friend to tell them how I truly feel about them.- I am finishing up my last few letters. They will be in the mail by the end of the week. And you know what? It felt really, really good to just allow myself to be mushy and open and tell my girlfriends exactly how I feel.

28. Get a tattoo.    Maybe. - Yeah...I changed my mind about this one. I've always loved tattoos. Always. I think they are beautiful and interesting and inspiring and telling. I've almost gotten one about 10 times. But I never do. And after doing some serious soul searching, I realized there is a reason for that. As much as I love looking at other people's ink, I have decided that its just not ME. 

29. Participate in 5 truly random acts of kindness. - I try to do lots of little random acts of kindness every day. I compliment people often (genuinely, of course), I open doors, I let people in in traffic, I smile at strangers. I even gave a homeless man my coat once, years ago (it was an over-sized, gender neutral Dallas Cowboys jacket, for the record. I didn't make some poor guy wear a pink petticoat or anything.) But for this list, I wanted them to be more substantial than that. Let me tell you where the hiccup was in this item. We don't have tons of extra income, so I wanted to try and make these random acts about actual ACTS - not large, strictly monetary "handouts". I've followed through with THREE acts so far: Leaving a stack of quarters in front of a soda machine, "paying it forward" in the Starbucks drive-thru and leaving a Free Movie Ticket voucher in the lobby of a movie theater. I really find joy in this, so I will undoubtedly complete the two I have left*, and more I hope!  

The free movie ticket voucher I left on a bench. We saw a movie and when we came back out, it was gone. :)

30. Make a list of everything (EVERYTHING) I want to accomplish in my life.- This will be an ever-growing list but what I have written so far, I carry with me in my wallet.

************
*So, here is the thing. I started off strong. Then I got a little lax and busy. Then I got re-motivated and knocked a lot off in the last 2 months. There are several items still in progress or that still need to be done - and I WILL be doing every single one of them before the end of the year. Hopefully sooner than that, actually. I also learned (and have advised several friends recently) to give yourself a full year for this list. I only gave myself 6 months.

That being said, I still consider this a complete success. I had an absolute blast, learned a lot about myself, did things I otherwise might not have done and it helped me really enjoy the last six months in my 20s. I HIGHLY recommend this to everyone. Even if you've already hit 30, or even if you're still years away from it.

Make a list. Actually do them. Trust me, it will be awesome. :)