Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Long Time Gone

Oh, hey.  Remember me?  The girl who use to blog?

It has been a really, really long time since I've done much writing. (Publicly, anyway.) I reached a strange point last year where I just ran out of things to say or I felt like it was becoming boring or I'd start a passionate blog and I'd just lose my way. But I missed it, honestly, because it is such an outlet for me and lately I've been really pulled back to the blogging world. So, in an effort to jump start it, I'm going to do my best to share what we've been up to, and then hopefully the blog ideas that have been bouncing around in my head will flow freely!

The last year has been full of some major ups and downs. (Which, quite frankly, feels like the status quo for us.) And until now, I have not felt ready to open up about some of the tougher things we've encountered.

Let's take a chronological journey...

Just over a year ago, we moved into a perfect little house in a great area and we absolutely love it here!
We've officially lived through all four seasons at this house!

My brother Frankie, my best friend Kim & I went to the 2 Day Suburbia Music Festival and had an absolute blast! There were dozens of bands and musicians, but the highlights for us were Third Eye Blind, twenty one pilots, Yelawolf, Killer Mike, NEEDTOBREATHE, J Cole and The Alabama Shakes!
May 2014

I went with my friends Erika, Brittany & Rob to see Johnnyswim and it was incredible.
July 2014

Ryan and I got to see Nickel Creek from the 2nd row. Life changing stuff.
August 2014

We also got an up close and personal view of Jared Leto and Thirty Seconds to Mars. (I was clearly much more excited about this than Ryan was...)
September 2014

For Halloween, we both decided to be super-heroes. Ryan was Superman (rightfully so) and I was Rosie the Riveter!
October 2014

Frankie found a tiny, abandoned kitten at his work and we decided to take her in. We named her Piper and loved her fiercely for 5 days, until sadly, she passed away. It was so sad for us, but her tiny little body just couldn't fight off the damage the Big, Bad World did before we got her.
November 2014

Frankie and I got the chance to see Ryan Adams (!!!!!) play in Dallas for the first time in almost a decade. It was a night I'll never forget!
December 2014

On New Year's Eve, Ryan & I hopped in a limo with both of our brothers and our good friends Brittany & Rob to see Dove Tail and The Wild Feathers. It was such a fun night!
December 2014

I received a high honor at work when I was voted my company's 2014 Employee of the Year by my co-workers.
January 2015

Ryan turned 30 in February, and that same weekend, we found out I was pregnant! It took us 5 years to get there, and it bums me out that this is the only picture I have of myself during that time. Grievously, we lost the baby at 10 weeks. It's been one of the hardest things we've ever endured, and it lead to the only blog post I wrote in the last year, until today.
February 2015

Ryan got a fantastic promotion at work. Even though it's meant longer days and more stress for my hard-working husband, it's still been a game changer for us! I am immensely proud of him.
April 2015

The Denton Women's Collective jumped back into Finding Kind with both feet when we finally got it in at Lewisville High School!
April 2015

I donated my hair for the 3rd time! This time, I decided to donate to Pantene Beautiful Lengths.

April 2015

Like a gift from the universe, a sweet Mama Bunny decided to make her nest in our yard this Spring! It was both stressful and thrilling to watch these babies grow. Almost every morning we see the 3 now-teenager-bunnies in our front yard and I love that they feel at home with us.
May 2015

Ryan & I attended our first SOFAR (SOngs From A Room) show and had the best time hearing some new artists as well as a couple of favorites!
May 2015

At the end of May, we experienced another devastating loss when we had to say good-bye to our sweet Chloe girl. It was utterly heartbreaking, especially after everything else we've been through this year, but we found some peace knowing she was no longer suffering. It feels like there is a hole in our family and I miss her every single day.
May 2015

My dear friend Lynsday and I went to see Jonathan Jackson + Enation and even got to MEET Jonathan and his brother (and bandmate) Richard! We've both been fans of Jonathan Jackson since the early 90's so it was quite a treat!

June 2015

Last month, I saw a post about a 1 year old kitty that needed a home. Cooper had been quite lonely since he lost his big sister and companion, so we decided to bring him home! We named him Oliver (we call him "Ollie" or "The Dude") and he was just a dream... except he did NOT get along with Cooper. He would attack him viciously, but was sweet as sugar with us. Thankfully, my brother really bonded with the little guy so Ollie now lives a very happy life with Frankie!
June 2015

Ryan & I roadtripped up to Kentucky to visit my Mom and celebrate my Aunt and Uncle's 50th wedding anniversary! Ryan also had his 1st (and 2nd) Big Boy burger.
July 2015

Most of my Mom's side of the family - July 2015
While we were in Kentucky, Ryan's precious Grandfather "Papa Herbie" passed away. He was a really incredible man who will be sorely missed. I feel grateful to have gotten almost 7 years to be his granddaughter (in-law).

And that catches us up to now... Cooper is happy as can be now that Ollie has gone to live with Frankie. He is just the sweetest little snaggletooth kitty there ever was and I'm thankful every day that he is ours! < Crazy Cat Lady alert >

July 2015
Thanks for welcoming me back, Blogosphere! 

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Dear Baby

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so naturally I've been thinking about you non-stop, Baby. We didn't plan you. Not really. We talked about you, asked for you, tried for you and dreamed about you for a long time. But then we'd given up and accepted we'd never have you. And we felt okay with that decision.

But then something so miraculous happened, and we made you

When I found out I was carrying you, I was terrified. I was terrified of the changes my body was going to have to make, terrified of how I was going to physically bring you into the world, terrified wondering if we were ready for you. But a few days later, the fear subsided and I was so happy about you. I talked to you, sang to you, put my hands on my stomach in hopes you would feel my love. We talked about what we would name you. We looked at the furniture you would sleep in and the stroller we would push you around in. We told our loved ones about you. Suddenly everything was about you.

You made me sick almost every day. I felt the strain growing you had on my system. But it was also a reminder that you were there, doing what you were supposed to be doing. A week before our 10 week sonogram, I started to feel a little better, and that filled me with a rush of excitement. I was so excited to see you. We waited with baited breath to see your tiny body on the giant screen in the doctor's office. She found you so quickly. There you were. So real. Your daddy squeezed my arm, smiling. The energy and love in the room was palpable.

But then there was silence as she snapped a million pictures of you and the energy in the room changed. I was still, trying not to panic, but my instincts took over and I asked her if everything was okay. If you were okay. She put her hand on my knee and quietly told me you were gone. That you'd been gone for a week. Your tiny heart had stopped beating. I felt the air leaving my body as your daddy took my hand.  We talked to the doctor and she told us what would happen next, but I hardly heard a word she said. All I could think about was you. That I'd only gotten to carry you for 10 short weeks. That I'd never even know if you were a boy or a girl. Whether you were our son or our daughter.

And then I mourned you. I still mourn you.

I was okay with never having you...Before there was a you. Then all I wanted was you. People kept telling me that we could try again. That maybe we could have another baby. But I didn't want another baby. I just wanted you.

I may have gotten only 10 weeks with you. But for the rest of my life, I will love you.