One's mind is a complicated thing. The further I get into my current Psychology class, the more I realize that. But I don’t need a textbook to prove it. Today, my mind took over for a moment and suddenly things were happening I had no control over.
Let me back up. Four days from today will be March 16th; a day that will forever have a different meaning for me. I’ve blogged about this before. On March 16th, 2003, one of my very best friends, Emett, was killed in a motorcycle accident. This Friday will be NINE years since the day he died. Nine years and one day since the last time I spoke to him. And I still miss him terribly. He was the big brother I never had, even though Frankie did his darndest to be that, he is still my little brother. He was a special person in my life…and even though I have married the man of my dreams and even though I have the most amazing best friends a girl could ask for, there will always be a little place in my heart that won’t ever be filled again. I think that happens when someone who was a GIANT part of your life dies. I know I’ve felt that with my grandparents, too. Just like this little part inside you changes forever.
But, back to my mind. We have a new girl at work. Her name is Emily and she is cute, young and petite. She is figuring things out around here pretty quickly, so today, my boss was praising her for a job well done and she yelled “Good job Li'l Em!” down the hallway. My body froze. All my muscles tensed up. I think I stopped breathing. And before I even had a chance to process what she’d said, there were tears running down my cheeks. Emett’s family (and many of his coaches and friends) called him “Li'l Em”. I have not heard those two words said together since he died. And four days before March 16th, I hear them. I was crying HARD, before I even realized what was going on. My mind heard those words and before I could react on my own - my sub-conscious reacted for me.
March 16th is always a hard day for me. Those closest to me know that I’m a little extra fragile that day. I feel sad in the days leading up to it…and even sadder on the day itself. People say “it will get easier”, and sometimes that’s true. But once a year, it hurts just as much as the day it happened. I miss you Em.