Saturday, May 9, 2015

Dear Baby

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, so naturally I've been thinking about you non-stop, Baby. We didn't plan you. Not really. We talked about you, asked for you, tried for you and dreamed about you for a long time. But then we'd given up and accepted we'd never have you. And we felt okay with that decision.

But then something so miraculous happened, and we made you

When I found out I was carrying you, I was terrified. I was terrified of the changes my body was going to have to make, terrified of how I was going to physically bring you into the world, terrified wondering if we were ready for you. But a few days later, the fear subsided and I was so happy about you. I talked to you, sang to you, put my hands on my stomach in hopes you would feel my love. We talked about what we would name you. We looked at the furniture you would sleep in and the stroller we would push you around in. We told our loved ones about you. Suddenly everything was about you.

You made me sick almost every day. I felt the strain growing you had on my system. But it was also a reminder that you were there, doing what you were supposed to be doing. A week before our 10 week sonogram, I started to feel a little better, and that filled me with a rush of excitement. I was so excited to see you. We waited with baited breath to see your tiny body on the giant screen in the doctor's office. She found you so quickly. There you were. So real. Your daddy squeezed my arm, smiling. The energy and love in the room was palpable.

But then there was silence as she snapped a million pictures of you and the energy in the room changed. I was still, trying not to panic, but my instincts took over and I asked her if everything was okay. If you were okay. She put her hand on my knee and quietly told me you were gone. That you'd been gone for a week. Your tiny heart had stopped beating. I felt the air leaving my body as your daddy took my hand.  We talked to the doctor and she told us what would happen next, but I hardly heard a word she said. All I could think about was you. That I'd only gotten to carry you for 10 short weeks. That I'd never even know if you were a boy or a girl. Whether you were our son or our daughter.

And then I mourned you. I still mourn you.

I was okay with never having you...Before there was a you. Then all I wanted was you. People kept telling me that we could try again. That maybe we could have another baby. But I didn't want another baby. I just wanted you.

I may have gotten only 10 weeks with you. But for the rest of my life, I will love you.

7 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I know those words don't help the healing at all (unfortunately, I know...I have been there, too), but I still want to say them to you. Take care of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your support and understanding, Sara.

      Delete
  2. Oh Rachel, my eyes are filled with tears and my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine the loss you feel, and the strength it must have taken simply for you just to write this. Only a Momma could come up with such eloquent and beautiful words for her child. I'll keep you all in my prayers. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now my eyes are filled with tears. Thank you for your sweet words, my friend.

      Delete
  3. I have no idea why I'm just now reading this, but I'm also filled with tears and had to literally remove my hand from my mouth. My heart still aches for you. I love you, and am so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I didn't share it on Facebook like I usually do with my posts. I wrote it because I needed to...but I wasn't/am still not ready to share this with people outside my little circle just yet. I'm sure it was extra upsetting for you right now, and for that I'm am very sorry, but I'm glad you found it organically. And thank you. I love you too.

      Delete
  4. Oh Rach! My heart is hurting for you. This has never happened to me before, so I cannot imagine the heartbreak is caused you, but I do know the love I have for my 3 sweet baby girls. A mother's love is like nothing else. You ARE a mother and that sweet baby, even only weeks old, was blessed to be loved by you. I think of you often and hope you know how much I genuinely love you.

    ReplyDelete