Goals

Yesterday, my friend Mandy posted this questionnaire on her blog, and it really hit home and got me thinking. Mandy is my constant cheerleader and seeing these questions on her blog...I just had to answer them. I’ve been keeping a private blog about my struggle with weight, and even though it’s journaling my thoughts, it is still me keeping my feelings private. And sometimes that just isn’t helpful. I challenged myself to answer these questions publicly. This post is incredibly personal, probably a bit heavy (no pun intended) and it is basically one truth-bomb after another. So, there is the disclaimer.

1. Brag about some of your daily, healthy habits. I basically only drink water and try not to any drink sodas. I usually have one a week. Other than water, I drink one cup of coffee a day, sometimes a Cranergy, and sometimes Crystal Light. But mostly, just good ol’ water.

2. Do you track your daily food intake? If so, how? Yes. Well, I do now. I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon quite a while ago and slowly let all I’d lost, plus some, pile back on. The worst part is that I don’t think anyone was surprised. And that HURT. So, I’ve been back on WW for almost a month, and I’ve lost almost 10 lbs. So, I use Weight Watchers online and the iPhone app to track my food consumption.

3. What do you want to change most about your daily routine? I want my new habits to finally replace my old ones, once and for all. It’s SO hard for me. But I wake up every day trying to make the best choices I can. I hope that eventually, the right choices will become second nature.  

4. How often do you exercise? Well...I kind of don't. I’m just trying to keep it real. I’ve swam laps a couple of times, but that is only very recent. I have never enjoyed exercise, but lately it’s become painfully obvious that I NEED it. Today, I am starting the DVD series, Walk Away the Pounds. I will do it today, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Starting next week (Monday) I will do it 6 days a week. Wednesday will be my “rest” day. Keep me accountable, internet!!

5. How do you stay on track when you’re on the go? I'm....not very good at this.  But I'm trying.  <- What Mandy said. I am best at staying on track at work, where I only have the foods I should be eating. I struggle at night sometimes, because I’m so used to snacking in front of the TV. But the absolute worst time for me is the weekends. When I am on the go. This is something I am working very, very hard on.

6. What’s one excuse you use that prevents you from reaching your goals? FEAR. Typing that word brought me to tears. For about 4 years now, my weight has been kind of a shield. It’s the excuse I use in my own head for why I don’t do things. Every time I say “I’m going to lose weight”, I think I self-sabotage. I give in when I know I should be strong, and I feel guilty yet relieved at the same time. But change is about being brave. Facing fears.

7. What scares your most about your journey? Haha, see #6? Fear has kind of always controlled me. Sometimes I worry I don’t have it in me to be as brave as I need to be. I also worry so much that people around me are so over it. Seeing me commit and fail over and over must be so ridiculous to witness. I’m someone who needs support and encouragement, unfortunately, so I’m always worried that people will judge me for my failure or give up on me.

8. What do you think will change most when you reach your goal? (If you have reached it, what’s different?) I absolutely despise looking at myself in the mirror. I hate shopping. I don’t like to be in pictures. And more than any of those vain reasons of not looking good…I don’t FEEL good. I feel weak, tired and unmotivated a lot. I eagerly look forward to the day Ryan has to keep up with me. I want to enjoy two of my favorite things again – swimming and shopping. And I really, REALLY want to feel good in my own skin.

9. What motivates you to reach your goals? The answer to this question changes all the time. Mostly, I am motivated by my own reflection, or the way I feel when I’ve done an activity that wears me out, but doesn’t seem to affect those around me. I want to be in MUCH better health before we start a family…and I am so ready to start a family, so that motivates me. I’m also motivated by results. And, as terrible as it sounds, sometimes I feel jealous of those around me…and my goodness is that one heck of a motivator.

10. Share a few of your goals.

• There is an expensive, beautiful turquoise dress that I’ve worn ONCE that is still hanging in my closet. I want to wear it again.
• I want to wear a swimsuit in public without it being a traumatic event. (Yes, I sound incredibly dramatic. Don’t cast judgments when you haven’t lived in my skin.)
• I want to lose enough weight/gain enough strength to be able to enjoy Yoga.
• I want to be in better shape so I can have healthy pregnancies.

If you stuck with me, and don’t dislike me a bit, after reading all of this…then thank you for the love and support you just sent out into the universe.