Saturday, March 16, 2013

The 10 Year Bereavement

Sometimes I feel like a broken record because a handful of topics have been mentioned or repeated on this blog ad nauseum. But those topics are usually the ones that also appear with frequency in my real, every day life.

Today is no exception.

Ten years ago today, my life was permanently altered. Ten years ago today, I lost the best friend that, at the time, I'd ever had. Ten years ago today, Emett Bolin died, just one month and two days short of his 20th birthday.

4/18/1983 - 3/16/2003

My thoughts are kind of all over the place as I try to decide exactly what to write. I've come a long way in the last 10 years. The first two years were excruciating. The three after that were hard. The last five have been a roller coaster of healing, feeling guilty for healing, re-grieving, healing again, rinse, repeat.

I can just barely remember the sound of his voice anymore. I am choking back sobs as I type those words. I think that's the hardest part of losing someone. You swear you'll never forget - and you don't, really - but things start to fade. It fills you with sadness and guilt. But then you have these moments where you feel the slightest bit of relief that what people said was true. "In time, it won't hurt as much." But then that relief is immediately followed by more sadness and guilt, because moving on does mean you start to forget some of the details. But luckily, there is so much I DO remember, and I hold on very tightly to those memories.

Emett was an incredible friend - there was little he wasn't willing to do for the people he loved. He wasn't perfect, by any stretch, but he was so special. He was one of those people you just wanted to be around and he could light up any room. He exuded joy - and he loved life so very much. I haven't known many people who loved life as much as Em did. Perhaps that's the biggest reason why it's taken me so long to truly start moving past his untimely death.

I'm experiencing some disbelief, even now as I type this, that it has been 10 years since I've seen Emett's face, heard his voice, hugged his neck. There is a part of my heart that will always love and miss my friend. And while it is true that time heals wounds, the wounds of loss never truly go away. But that's okay with me now...because its just a reminder of the impact he had on my life.

He promised me many times that he'd always be there for me. I choose to believe that's a promise he never broke...its just in a different context now.

Till we meet again, my friend.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I didn't understand how you feel, though I do. It will be 10 yrs in December that my friend, Adrienne was killed. Reading your note is just the way I feel. Hugs, Mel