Day Five

What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

Ryan. 

I didn’t know it was possible to love another human being so much.

Music. 

It’s my constant in an unpredictable world.

My friends. 

They reach in and pull out the best things in me.

DWC. 

I am a better woman and person after each gathering.

Chloe & Cooper. 

They may be little balls of fur, but they add so much to my life.

Day Four

List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I wrote a letter to my 16 year-old self a few months back. I think it says it all.

Day Three

Day Three - Describe your relationship with your parents

I am a lucky, lucky girl. I kind of grew up in "Pleasantville". My childhood was amazing. I had the best, most loving and supportive parents ever. They were there for me, raised me right, encouraged me and loved me unconditionally.

I shouldn’t have used the past tense…they still do all of those things, just separately. When my parents divorced in 2006, things changed a bit with our relationship(s). I realized that my parents were REAL PEOPLE and even though they were/are amazing parents, they are also flawed and fragile just like the rest of us. And that can be a tough pill to swallow. Some distance grew between my Dad & I and suddenly I was worrying about my Mom the same way she’d worried about me all of my life. Things are much better now and I have a strong relationship with both of them, but those years were rocky and sometimes I still feel pulled between them, or miss “the good old days”. But I think that’s probably the case for most adults – we all have moments when we miss childhood.

Day Two

DAY TWO - Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

I have serious anxiety if I don’t feel in “control”.

I have talked about my bout with anxiety before. It ran my life for years, and even though it’s under control these days, I still have moments or situations when I slip back into paralyzing fear. Like being in situations when I can’t fully be in control of what happens to me or my loved ones. Crowds and planes get me going to most. When I am “trapped” in a crowd, I immediately start to panic. I am also a really terrible flyer. I much prefer a car ride when I can stop and get out whenever I want. (This is also why I am a terrible wife who deprives her husband of going on a cruise.)

I am TERRIFIED of not being a good Mother.

Don’t roll your eyes. I’m serious. It seems like it’s so easy to screw your kids up. I had really great parents – but what if I can’t be as good?  What if I can’t find the right balance of loving support and respectful boundaries? What if my kids hate me? Will I be able to raise strong, confident kids who are also kind, smart and passionate? Ryan tells me not to worry, that one of the reasons he knew I was “The One” was because I am so good with kids… But what if I FAIL at my most important job ever?!

I am legitimately afraid of losing (more) loved ones.

When you’ve lost as many friends and family members as I have, you worry about that non-stop. When Ryan is out and I hear sirens, I panic. I text or call him to make sure he is okay. He laughs at me. He doesn’t understand - but I’m glad he doesn’t. We all know that someday we will lose our parents, but even thinking about it sends me into an emotional tailspin. Throw Ryan or Frankie into that mix and prepare for an epic meltdown. Those two better outlive me. It’s like Winnie the Pooh says, “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

30 Things in April - Day One

So, lately I've really missed blogging - but I just don't have anything fun to talk about! Well, once again, Pinterest to the rescue! I've seen several posts about "30 Things in 30 Days" or "30 Things to Ask Your Spouse", and that totally sparked my interest! Can I commit to answering a question a day for 30 days? (They are NOT simple questions.) We will find out...

DAY ONE : List 20 Randoms Facts About Yourself

First thing's first. Do they have to be facts no one knows? (I'm going with no.)

1. My husband and I first met in 7th grade. But you might already know that.

2. I. Love. Earrings.  They are, by far, my favorite accessory.

3. I am a crier. No, seriously. Not like a "Oh, sometimes I squirt a few tears in really sad movies" crier. I am talking about as sensitive as they come, heart on my sleeve, what-you-feel-I-feel crier. I cry when I'm sad, happy, angry, stressed - ANY emotion. I am a happy person, I swear! I'm just, as a shrink once called me, "a super feeler". ;)

4. I am totally obsessed with Instagram. I check it more than Facebook.  (And I check Facebook a lot.)

5. I LOVE to talk/blog about hair, make-up, nails, beauty ANYTHING, it makes me feel kind of full of myself when I do, so I don't do as much beauty-related blogging as I'd like to.

6. This is my favorite nail color at the moment.

7. I only post (on Facebook, Instagram or blog) about 25% of the pictures I take of my cats. I don't have kids yet. Back off.

8. The Denton Women's Collective fills a void I didn't even know I had.

9. I'm 28 years old and I love Justin Bieber. I am not ashamed.

10. Since becoming a psychology student, I've become extremely aware of certain things about myself, my relationships and the people around me. This is both awesome and awful.

11. My brother comes over once a week for dinner. It's one of my favorite traditions - plus it lets me be all "big sisterly" and make sure he eats at least one meal a week that isn't Ramen. 

12. Potatoes are, hands down, my favorite food. I love them in every form.

13. I love TV. LOOOVE. It's sad. My DVR is always full.

14. I am constantly changing the music on on iPod. If I have the same stuff on it for too long, I get antsy. That being said, there are a handful of albums/artists that will NEVER be taken off.

15. If I could only use one cosmetic product for the rest of my life, it would be mascara. (But PLEASE don't take away my mineral powder and eye liner!!!)

16. I LOVE Dr. Pepper, but I am trying hard to break up with it.

17. I am violently allergic to horses, probably allergic to scallops (my Mom is deathly allergic and I tested allergic also - so I've never eaten them) and moderately-mildly allergic to a laundry list of other things. Ryan tells me I need a bubble...but I figure if I've made it almost 29 years, I'll be okay.

18. We have over 10,000 songs in our iTunes Library...and I am ridiculously proud of that. (Which is why #14 happens.)

19. Our apartment is too small for us, but I wish I could just pull all 4 sides to make it bigger because a) I HATE moving and b) I LOVE our apartment!

20. Coming up with 20 (interesting enough to blog?) random facts was TOUGH! It took me over an hour! (Okay, I was also watching TV. See #13.)

It's A Beautiful Day In This Neighborhood

Yes, kids, I am quoting Mister Rogers'. And honestly? Today could not be a more perfect day for it. It is absolutely GORGEOUS. Not a cloud in the sky - both literally and metaphorically.

To make sure we took full advantage of this glorious day, Ryan decided to pick me up from work and take me on a picnic for lunch. He stopped by Subway and picked up our favorites (an Italian for him, a veggie for me) and took me to a quiet little park, tucked back in a remote, tree-filled area.

 Just the two of us and nature. Nothing but each others voices and the birds to fill the air. It was pure bliss.

Sadly, it was also the quickest hour of my life. ;)

The Mind

One's mind is a complicated thing. The further I get into my current Psychology class, the more I realize that. But I don’t need a textbook to prove it. Today, my mind took over for a moment and suddenly things were happening I had no control over.

 

Let me back up. Four days from today will be March 16th; a day that will forever have a different meaning for me. I’ve blogged about this before. On March 16th, 2003, one of my very best friends, Emett, was killed in a motorcycle accident. This Friday will be NINE years since the day he died. Nine years and one day since the last time I spoke to him. And I still miss him terribly. He was the big brother I never had, even though Frankie did his darndest to be that, he is still my little brother. He was a special person in my life…and even though I have married the man of my dreams and even though I have the most amazing best friends a girl could ask for, there will always be a little place in my heart that won’t ever be filled again. I think that happens when someone who was a GIANT part of your life dies. I know I’ve felt that with my grandparents, too. Just like this little part inside you changes forever.

 

But, back to my mind. We have a new girl at work. Her name is Emily and she is cute, young and petite. She is figuring things out around here pretty quickly, so today, my boss was praising her for a job well done and she yelled “Good job Li'l Em!” down the hallway. My body froze. All my muscles tensed up. I think I stopped breathing. And before I even had a chance to process what she’d said, there were tears running down my cheeks. Emett’s family (and many of his coaches and friends) called him “Li'l Em”. I have not heard those two words said together since he died. And four days before March 16th, I hear them. I was crying HARD, before I even realized what was going on. My mind heard those words and before I could react on my own - my sub-conscious reacted for me.

 

March 16th is always a hard day for me. Those closest to me know that I’m a little extra fragile that day. I feel sad in the days leading up to it…and even sadder on the day itself. People say “it will get easier”, and sometimes that’s true. But once a year, it hurts just as much as the day it happened. I miss you Em.