5 Years

In the past 5 years, I've learned a lot.  Not just about marriage, but about love. What it really means.

When Ryan and I got engaged, I was over-the-moon in love with him. I smiled every time his face crossed my mind (which was a lot) or his name crossed my lips (which was also a lot). I got butterflies when he was near me. I knew with every fiber of my being that he was The One.  And if you'd asked me back then if I thought I could ever love him more than I did then, I probably would have said "not possible".  My heart was already busting at the seams.

But that was 5 years ago.  And a lot of life can happen in 5 years. 

These 5 years of marriage have changed the way I look at love. See, back when we got engaged, we were very much in love, but we were still in the very beginning stages of figuring ourselves, and each other, out.  We hadn't yet mastered the true partnership of marriage (and I am not saying we are masters now, but we are a whole heck of a lot better at it). We have encountered some exuberant highs and some substantial, devastating lows. We've gone through crappy moments that were my fault. And crappy moments that were his. We've yelled at each other, fought with each other (and FOR each other), balanced each other. We've celebrated together, cried together, laughed together, SURVIVED TOGETHER. And through every moment, every step of the way, we've held tightly to each other. No matter what the obstacle, even when we stumble (both separately and together) we never let go of each other. Not for a moment. Because as wonderful and earth-moving as our love was 5 years ago, it can't hold a candle to the love we have now. And as cliche as it is, if you asked me today if I thought I could ever love him more than I do right now, I would look you straight in the eyes and answer a resounding "YES". Now I know that with each passing day, week, month, year, my love for him will continue to grow. Because WE will continue to grow.

Wednesday night, I decided to dig out the disc that holds all 2000-or-something wedding pictures from our photographer. I hadn't looked through all of them since we received them, 5 years ago. And because our love has grown and changed, I found myself drawn to pictures that I hadn't been before. Then, I was focused on what was the most pretty, the most "Facebook worthy" (as terrible as it is to admit that). Now, I allowed the emotion behind the pictures be what spoke to me first.

Like the look on Ryan's face when the doors opened and I started my walk down the aisle to him...

The look on the right may not seem like much, but its the face he makes when he is trying to hide his excitement. I didn't recognize that look 5 years ago. Now, it's one of my favorites.

And how I couldn't keep my eyes off of him...

Or the first moment we shared after the ceremony, before anyone else was in the room. He starting crying as soon as we were out the door, and he was embarrassed for anyone else to see. So we stole a moment away...

And how he kept pulling me in closer and tighter as we shared our last dance...

Happy anniversary to the man whom I am still over-the-moon in love with. Who still makes me smile when I think of him, or talk about him. Who still gives me butterflies when he is near. Thank you for teaching me about real, true love these last 5 years.

The One Where I Update My Blog

So, I took some time off from all things social media. And it was a beautiful thing. But now, I have so much to say that I hope I can even organize it all into some kind of order.


As I've discussed before, I'm a life-long anxiety sufferer. Though I lived in "anxiety-remission" for almost 5 years, recently I suffered an unexplainable relapse. For days I was fighting my old symptoms, and after doing some serious soul-searching, I realized it was because I suddenly felt incredibly overwhelmed. Like, by EVERYTHING. I am someone who will openly admit that sometimes I need to isolate to deal. I get so lost inside the feelings that I start to lose MYSELF, and I have to become keenly self-aware to re-gain my footing. And sometimes that includes removing myself from parts of my world (like social media). I realize that probably makes me sound supremely selfish, and maybe it is, but its how I've ALWAYS coped.

I think, for me, part of why I needed a little hiatus from social media was 100% personal. Its often hard for me to look at the lives of others on Facebook or Instagram (admittedly, several times a day) without comparing it to my own. And sometimes I get panicky that my life isn't like someone else's.  I'm going to give this topic the attention it deserves soon...but for now, let's move on.

*******

I realized recently that it's been quite some time since I've done anything remotely close to an overall life update. So that's how I'm going to throw myself back into my blog.

We have been crazy busy the last few months.  I'll admit, our full calendar might be partly to blame for my sudden recurrence of anxiety. It often leaves us feeling like there isn't enough time in the day...however, as I type those words, I can't help but smile because that just means that we are lucky to have so many wonderful people and opportunities in our lives.

We've also been on an emotional roller coaster with one of our furbabies, Chloe. About a month ago, she was diagnosed with Mid-Stage Renal Failure. Basically, her kidneys are shutting down. She is in stage 2 of 4, which means that there are still treatment options, but that the damage that has already occurred cannot be undone. We are on a treatment regimen, and assuming it all works properly, we should get more time with her. :) In the meantime, I just have my fingers crossed that she won't hate me when all is said and done, since I'm the one giving her an IV twice a week and shoving pills down her throat when needed. I think that's the hardest part about having pets. You can't EXPLAIN to them that all of this is to help them feel better.

The most notable update is about Ryan. After a hiatus from the "working world" to focus on his health, he has started a new job! As far as his recovery...well, its still an uphill battle. We've changed to a new doctor and are trying a new type of treatment - which basically means we've started from scratch. I've definitely noticed a significant backslide in his progress, which we were warned about, and its been tough on both of us. Just because we KNOW what the problem is, doesn't make it any easier to cope with when his symptoms start showing back up. I have many moments where I wish more than anything that I could just take this all away from Ryan and suffer through it myself. I'll give a more detailed update on this soon!

Until then...it feels good to be back! 

BRB

It's been over a month since my last blog post.  That was not intentional.

However, I am now intentionally taking a little break - not only from my blog, but from social media in general.  I just need a moment...to refocus, to re-energize, to recenter.  

So, BRB. 

Grilled Potato Salad

I haven't blogged a recipe in a while, and since I am admittedly struggling for blog-spiration since wrapping up my 30x30 "series", now is as good a time as any!

As I continue to battle the bulge, I am kind of always on the look-out for healthier versions of my favorite foods. (Although, let's be real...pinto bean cookies just aren't the same.) Well, last week, I stumbled upon a recipe for Grilled Potato Salad. It looked amazing and I decided to give it a whirl.

Ingredients 

 

Potato Mix:

2 lbs small red potatoes

1/2 small red onion (I like to use white or yellow because we aren't really red onion fans)

1 tsp veg oil

2 tbsp parsley

1/2 c dill, roughly chopped

2 tsp chives, chopped

salt & pepper

 

Dressing Mix:

1/2 c EVOO

2 tbsp whole grain mustard

3 tbsp apple cider vinegar

2 tbsp honey

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsp pepper

 

Toppings:
3 tbsp green onion, chopped

Chopped bacon

Start by par baking the potatoes. While the potatoes are in the oven, mix the "potato mix" in a bowl and  set aside.   

 

Once the potatoes are almost fully baked, slice them in half and toss with the "potato mix" ingredients. Slice onions into rounds. Grill the onion rounds and potatoes, face down, for 5-7 minutes. (I didn't grill the onions...I got ahead of myself and had already chopped them. I think grilling them would have made a great addition to the flavor.)

Meanwhile, mix the dressing.

Once grilled, dice the onions and mix into the potatoes. Cover with 1/2 the dressing, stir well and allow to sit for 5 minutes. Taste and add more dressing if needed. Mix in green onion and bacon. Serve.

As usual - for me at least - nothing is perfect the first time and while this was VERY good, it needs a little tweaking. Specifically, I added about 1/2 of the dressing and felt like that was enough, but after we started eating, I realized it could have used more. I would also let is sit longer than 5 minutes next time so that the potatoes could really absorb the dressing. HOWEVER, this was very tasty and I will definitely be making it again! 

30x30 Wrap-Up

Since we are going on 2 weeks since I crossed over into thirty-dom, I thought I should dedicate one (super long) post to my Thirty Things To Do Before I'm Thirty list.

Need a refresher? Start here. I'll wait.

I think the easiest thing for me to do is go line by line before I wrap it all up. Settle in, kids. Let's do this!

1. Start a bucket list. - Click the link to read my bucket list so far!

2. Start making concrete plans for future things that I can't talk about right now. - Just read the last paragraph. :) Nothing is set in stone yet, but it's something we WILL achieve in due time.

3. Chase a storm. - This one came to fruition, kind of, ON my birthday. Storms rolled in mid-afternoon and Ryan & I drove directly into them. But, I've also moved this item onto my Bucket List, because I'd like to do it more on purpose next time. 

It was raining so hard in the "eye" of the storm that you couldn't see more than 15-20 feet in front of you.

4. Visit JFK Memorial Plaza - I'm sad to say, I didn't get this one done. Yet. But more on that in a moment*...

5. Learn more about wine. Besides "it tastes good". - This one was fun, haha. We looked into a few local winery tours, but couldn't find anything that worked with our time frame and budget. So instead, we decided to do some of our own research and then we headed to Trader Joe's (you can't beat their prices) to pick up a few bottles we wanted to try. Each of the four we chose had decent descriptions, but when we arrived home and started cracking into the bottles, we looked them each up online to read more about them, where the grapes were grown and the process behind making each one.

My favorite was the Albero. I am definitely a light, sweet-ish white wine gal. Especially if its sparkling.

6. Weigh less on my 30th birthday than I did on my 29th. - I got to check this one off my list pretty early on. In March, to be exact. I'm happy to report that I currently weigh less than I did on my *28th* birthday too. <BIG HAPPY FACE HERE>

7. Learn a new skill.- Click the link to read more!

8. Go to one concert a month.- Okay so here's the deal. I consider this one achieved even though I didn't get to any concerts in March or May. BUT, I saw SIX shows over the last six months (three of which featured multiple bands) so, I consider that a WIN. I saw The Punch Brothers in January, Imagine Dragons in February, The Lumineers AND Edgefest Music Fest in April, Summer Cut Music Fest in June and Summerland Guitar Fest in July.

9. Record music with Ryan.- Still working on this one*. I really put this one off, actually. Mostly because I'm scared. It's been a long time since I've done any singing publicly. And Ryan doesn't really love playing his instruments in front of people (even though he is incredibly talented). We are quite a pair. BUT, we are going to do this.

10. Create a coffee table book with photos I've taken in Instagram. - In the works RIGHT NOW*. I wanted to wait until after my 30th birthday so I could include those pictures too.

11. Do one Pinterest craft a month.- I did about 6-7 Pinterest crafts total, but it wasn't "one a month". Sort of like the concerts situation, I still consider it done even though half of them were done in one weekend for a good friend's baby shower.

12. Read three books. - Oops. Apparently I don't make enough time for this. I still have a stack of unread books*...

13. Take a yoga class.- I feel like I have a lot of "not done yet" in a row here. I WILL try Yoga*. But I'm not ready.

14. Step out of my fashion comfort zone.- I DID THIS! I really took this one seriously. Partially because with my weight gain, I lost a lot of confidence so I would hide under my clothes and even after losing almost 40lbs so far, I was STILL hiding under my clothes. Partially because I got tired of hearing Ryan (lovingly) make fun of me dressing like a "grandma" aka all covered up. Mostly because I realized that I still COULD dress fun, or revealing, or however I wanted. I wore clothes that made me feel uncomfortable and/or made me stand out, but most of the time I ended up feeling okay wearing them. I even ordered a pair of PINK pants this week! (I wear black pants or dark jeans. Period.) But nothing took me out of my comfort zone like the dress I wore to a couple of weddings recently. I've had it since I got married but it hadn't fit in YEARS. I wore it and I felt TOTALLY out of my element and COMPLETELY self-conscious, but guess what? I survived it. I even got a few compliments along the way. :) (Special props go to my husband for teasing me into cuter clothes, and to my BFF Kim for making me believe that I could actually pull it all off.)

The Scary Dress

15. Take a completely spontaneous day/weekend trip. - In the spring, we took a trip to Colorado and a trip to Saint Louis. Both were planned less than 2 weeks before leaving. That's about as spontaneous as I get. ;)

16. Learn how to grow something edible.- I tried. I really did. We planted some chives...and they didn't grow. It was a tough defeat for both of us. Someday, we will have a yard. And in that yard, we WILL learn to grow things. I just don't think apartment living is conducive for farming, unless you can convert your patio into a green house. Which we cannot.

17. Donate to 3 organizations I love.- I have donated to two of three. The other will get their donation SOON. Like as soon as I decide who to donate to. ;) I am completely torn between the ASPCA and Project Limelight. Any opinions? As far as the organizations I've already given to, I have donated to the local public radio station we listen to the most, KXT and to Save The Arctic which helps protect the habitat of my favorite animal, the Polar Bear, specifically from oil drilling.

18. Conquer something difficult in the kitchen - like souffle or crepes.- This one is still pending*...I have decided to try souffle. As soon as I get my wits about me.

19. Put an unnatural color in my hair.- I DID color my hair before my birthday buuut, it wasn't unnatural. I had also planned to chalk my hair for my birthday party, but I never got around to it. I still might do this, just for fun, though*.

20. Say "YES" to everything for an entire day.- Click the link to read more!

21. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet.- Click the link to read more!

22. Ask my parents for each of their 5 favorite movies. Watch all 10.- I have worked my way through exactly half of them, so far. I have found its harder than I thought to find copies of some of my Dad's picks. He loves his old movies! How about a breakdown within a breakdown? 
                           Mom's Picks:
                           -To Kill A Mocking Bird
                           -Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
                           -Casablanca
                           -Its a Wonderful Life
                           -Last of the Mohicans

                           Dad's Picks:
                           -Treasure of Sierra Madre
                           -Adventures of Robin Hood
                           -Usual Suspects
                           -Philadelphia Story
                           -Shawshank Redemption
 


23. Buy a record that came out the year I was born.- Click the link to read more!

24. Give up sodas for an entire month.- Click the link to read more!

25. Spend more time exploring Denton.- Click the link to read more!

26. Try two new recipes a month.- I most definitely did this. I just didn't blog about many of them. But, Ryan is my witness. It happened, mostly successfully!

27. Once a week (or so?), write a different friend to tell them how I truly feel about them.- I am finishing up my last few letters. They will be in the mail by the end of the week. And you know what? It felt really, really good to just allow myself to be mushy and open and tell my girlfriends exactly how I feel.

28. Get a tattoo.    Maybe. - Yeah...I changed my mind about this one. I've always loved tattoos. Always. I think they are beautiful and interesting and inspiring and telling. I've almost gotten one about 10 times. But I never do. And after doing some serious soul searching, I realized there is a reason for that. As much as I love looking at other people's ink, I have decided that its just not ME. 

29. Participate in 5 truly random acts of kindness. - I try to do lots of little random acts of kindness every day. I compliment people often (genuinely, of course), I open doors, I let people in in traffic, I smile at strangers. I even gave a homeless man my coat once, years ago (it was an over-sized, gender neutral Dallas Cowboys jacket, for the record. I didn't make some poor guy wear a pink petticoat or anything.) But for this list, I wanted them to be more substantial than that. Let me tell you where the hiccup was in this item. We don't have tons of extra income, so I wanted to try and make these random acts about actual ACTS - not large, strictly monetary "handouts". I've followed through with THREE acts so far: Leaving a stack of quarters in front of a soda machine, "paying it forward" in the Starbucks drive-thru and leaving a Free Movie Ticket voucher in the lobby of a movie theater. I really find joy in this, so I will undoubtedly complete the two I have left*, and more I hope!  

The free movie ticket voucher I left on a bench. We saw a movie and when we came back out, it was gone. :)

30. Make a list of everything (EVERYTHING) I want to accomplish in my life.- This will be an ever-growing list but what I have written so far, I carry with me in my wallet.

************
*So, here is the thing. I started off strong. Then I got a little lax and busy. Then I got re-motivated and knocked a lot off in the last 2 months. There are several items still in progress or that still need to be done - and I WILL be doing every single one of them before the end of the year. Hopefully sooner than that, actually. I also learned (and have advised several friends recently) to give yourself a full year for this list. I only gave myself 6 months.

That being said, I still consider this a complete success. I had an absolute blast, learned a lot about myself, did things I otherwise might not have done and it helped me really enjoy the last six months in my 20s. I HIGHLY recommend this to everyone. Even if you've already hit 30, or even if you're still years away from it.

Make a list. Actually do them. Trust me, it will be awesome. :)

So, I Turned 30

It happened.

I turned 30.

The world didn't stop turning. I didn't wake up a different person. It wasn't so bad.

The night before, I allowed myself to have a moment. I reflected on my 20s. They were a roller coaster. I experienced some of the greatest JOYS and HEARTACHES of my life within that decade. And as I glanced at the clock at 7:30pm, I realized that I had only a few hours left before that chapter of my life was over. I felt sad and excited at the same time. Ryan & I stayed up until midnight so that I could "cross into my 30s" holding his hand. I was almost afraid it was going to hurt or something. At 12:01, Ryan squeezed my hand and wished me a happy birthday and I drifted off to sleep with tears in my eyes.

When I woke up the next morning, my birthday, all that sad anticipation was gone. I was happy and excited! My birthday was on a Friday, so I had taken the day off to spend with my Mom before I celebrated with my friends. We had an awesome day together - having lunch, getting pampered (manis and pedis) then doing a little shopping. Then I headed home to start getting ready for my party.

It's been a LONG time since I've had an actual birthday party. It just didn't feel necessary for all the random years of my 20s. But it had always been a dream of mine to rent out the local roller skating rink that I went to growing up for my 30th. Doing something that is so closely associated with childhood just really appealed to me. And because I was going to relive an activity from the 90s, we decided to make it a 90s theme. It just seemed fitting. I made a playlist with all of my favorite 90s songs and planned 90s "costumes". I was seriously OVER THE MOON when almost all of my friends showed up in 90s attire, too.

"Happy Rachel Birthday". Why not!

Ready to hit the rink.

My little younger brother & I

The BEAUTIFUL and delicious cake my friend Dixie made for me!

Almost all of the party attendees. I love you all and am SO very glad you were there to celebrate with me.

 

I'm lucky to be surrounded, loved and supported by these amazing people.

It was truly the perfect night. One of the best of my life, in fact. My only regret was that the rink had a capacity limit and I couldn't invite everyone I know, haha!

I'm starting to get excited that what people say is true - the 30s are the BEST. :)



Coming soon...a re-cap of my 30x30 list!

The Most Difficult Thing In Life Is To Know Yourself

Recently, my good friend Shell blogged about the importance of getting to know ourselves. I feel like I know myself pretty well, since I tend to live inside my own head a lot, but as I was reading through her questions to herself, I found myself really having to think about how I would answer some of them. So I decided to take the time to take her survey and get to know myself a little better - and sharing it on my blog so YOU can get to know me a little better too! It was funny, really. Some of these answers have never changed, and others seem to change daily. It was fun and self- educational, haha!

*My Favorites (which are ever-changing), RIGHT THIS SECOND:

Color: Green. Always green. Any shade.
Drink: Sparkling ICE (that’s the brand) Sparkling Water.
Food: Mexican – I think I could survive on fajitas and guacamole!  
Place: Colorado.
Dream Travel Destinations:  Sweden (and really all of Europe), Australia
Book/Currently Reading: I’ve started like 4 books in the last 6 months. I haven't finished a single one. I’m obviously very committed to them.
Male Musician: Matt Corby
Female Musician: Patty Griffin
Band: Alt-J, The Oh Hellos, The Neighbourhood
Hobby: Music (listening, watching live, making), Swimming, Dreaming (day and night), Watching movies
Nail Color: Gum Drop by Orly, Sally Hansen Lacey Lilac
Morning or Night: Night!
Movie: This Is The End, Pitch Perfect
Male Actor: Tom Hardy and Charlie Hunnam
Female Actor: Anna Kendrick and Emma Stone
Sign: Cancer (Fits like a glove.)
Guilty Pleasure: TV, Dr. Pepper
Favorite Flower: Roses and Peonies
Dream Car: Project/Old: VW Microbus, VW Karmann Ghia

Practical/New:  Jeep Wrangler Rubicon
Good Habits: I drink a lot of water, I eat fairly healthy, I express my feelings
Bad Habits: I'm addicted to my cell phone (especially Instagram), I'm incredibly self-critical, I cannot break up with sweets, I am TERRIBLY indecisive. (I have to stop listing things or this will go on for days. Hence the whole "self-critical" thing...)
Dream House Style: A mix of mountain rustic (lots of wood and stone) and contemporary-traditional (dark woods, clean lines, warm and inviting)
Move or Stay Put: MOVE!!!!!  
Need to make more time for: Exercise!!!!!!!
Currently Working on: Myself - physically and mentally, Big Picture plans for the future, not comparing myself to others so much.

Ask yourself these questions...see which ones are easy to answer and which ones take a little more thought. It was eye-opening for me! :)

"The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself." - Thales